There’s been a lot of stories circulating around about women in ballet and I decided it’s finally time to share my experience. I was always embarrassed to share because I thought maybe I wasn’t “good enough,” and that’s why my ballet experience was tainted. If you can relate, I’m here to tell you that is 100% untrue. The ballet world is toxic and cruel. Here’s my story:
The first time I thought I was fat I was in second grade in ballet class. The summer before I joined American Ballet Theatre, I was nursing a debilitating injury caused by lack of nutrition/overworking in the studio company the year before. I spent the whole summer “staying in shape” aka working out relentlessly and starving myself. The funny thing is I actually thought I was being healthy. I turned vegan as a means to restrict further and I made this IG account which was then called @healthy_ballerina (couldn’t have been further from the truth). At the beginning of our season, I was told by everyone that I looked AMAZING! I was told I was finally applying diligence to my technique and it was paying off because my muscles were now long + lean (aka I was starving myself). I loved the way I looked but it was never enough. There was always pressure to shrink even more because there was always someone thinner being rewarded for it.
Slowly, my light started fading. I would bruise so badly all over my body. I would get pins and needles and couldn’t feel my arms or legs. I didn’t have a period. When I did eat, there was so much stress surrounding it that my IBS was triggered and I was often doubled over in pain in between rehearsals. My eyes would glaze over and I was unable to grasp choreography, or engage in any social activity because I was so malnourished. But the compliments on my body kept flooding. I hated and punished myself day in and day out. Eventually, working out for several hours after rehearsal and eating as little as possible, the PT finally told me that I was underweight. All of a sudden, I had crossed to the elusive “other side” of “the talk.” I felt flattered and when I told others what the PT said, I was told “to ignore it and keep doing what I was doing.” I was about 88 lbs. Cut to my mom visiting me, and as we ate a meal together. In the comfort of a maternal presence - i dared myself to eat until I was full. And I couldn’t stop. I still remember the food, it was a macro plate from Souen. The nourishment flooded every cell of my body, and every pain in my body was assuaged. After that, I started eating a bit more because I could feel the nourishment bringing me back to life.
And my body changed. I filled out a bit. I got boobs overnight. My hips widened. I started looking like a woman (a very thin woman) rather than a pre-teen. My body was singing and humming from the nourishment, and holding on because I had restricted for so long. Puberty began at age 19...and the ballet company was NOT having it. I was treated horribly, cast to the side, even left at home while the company went on tour to Japan. I was called into the office of one of artistic staff and told that I was getting “out of shape.” It was framed in the way that ballet companies often say it in order to evade legal ramifications. Out of shape = lose weight now or we will fire you. I was pulled aside from principal dancers and given the advice of “maybe a big prestigious company just isn’t for you.” If you don’t fit the exact unrealistic mold of ballet standards, you are made to feel that you are lazy and weak.
When contracts were renewed, I knew I was in trouble. My weight only steadily climbed (mind you I was about 98 lbs at this point). I was told they weren’t sure. They would keep me through the summer Met Season, and then reassess. I was promoted to corps de ballet from apprentice before the season started. My dream of a lifetime - corps de ballet...and I couldn’t even celebrate because my job security was elusive. My whole life I dreamed of dancing on stage with ABT like my mom, and here I was living my dream in a nightmare. The whole season I was on edge, every day was an audition, and every performance I was teetering on the edge. I continued to be treated as if I was invisible. At the end of the season, I asked for a meeting with the director. He told me he still wasn’t sure but he wanted me to come on tour to Australia in two weeks. I went. Right before tour, I was told flippantly and matter of factly that there was no contract for me after tour. I was told that I could “hang around until after nutcracker and there would probably be another seasonal contract for me.” Even then I had enough self worth to leave something that wasn’t a “hell yes.” It was a fuck no. And so there I was, 20 years old, unemployed, with a $2,400 a month lease in Manhattan and bills to pay. That two week tour to Australia with my dream company knowing that I was fired once it was over was to this date one of the most heartbreaking experiences of my life.
I auditioned all over and scrambled to find a job. Coming from corps at ABT, i got a few offers, but the directors manipulated the situation because they knew I was desperate for a job. I then went on to dance with another company, where the culture promoted an obscenely thin body type. The more sickeningly thin you were, the better parts you got. My body was continuing to morph into the beautiful womanly shape it is today, and I was shamed and not put on stage. I literally had to bind my chest in order to perform because the costume lady refused to work with my figure. I would rip the tape off at night and I would bleed. Eventually it got to the point where I felt so horrible about myself but I felt I had no way out. All I had ever done was ballet. I had barely graduated high school. I didn’t have any other skills and I didn’t know how to exist in the “real world.” The by the grace of Gd I got an internship at LA Mag and Philosophie that summer I was on break and I experienced joy, happiness, freedom, and life for the first time and never looked back. So that’s my story. There’s so much more to it, but that’s the gist. My little sister is pursuing ballet and I worry and pray for her daily. Ballet was my life and my first love. It taught me so much but it also took a lot from me. I sacrificed a childhood and many normal experiences. But ballet also shaped me into who I am and peppered my life with so many interesting people and situations and opportunities. I hope to someday live in a world where this art form can be saved by radical inclusion.
The outpouring of love from people relating to my story are evidence enough that it was necessary to speak up. I’ve read every single comment, and it truly means the world. There’s more to my story and there are parts that I wonder if I’ll ever be able to speak about with candor. I think it’s important to expose the truth behind something seen as so glamorous from the outside. Ballet wasn’t my hobby: It was my entire life and livelihood and all I knew up until I found the courage to walk away. And the scary thing is, my story isn’t unique. The toxicity of the ballet world that I outlined is not an isolated event. There are many other women that are living with the ripple effects of growing up, being conditioned by, and existing in this abusive culture.
I never thought I had a problem during that time and even after, because there were girls that had it so much worse than me. I was existing in a culture that celebrated thinness in such a way that I had totally normalized self-harm and starvation. It wasn’t until I had time, space, and perspective away from ballet that I could see clearly how sick I was. For so many years my body didn’t belong to me, and now I’ve taken my power back.Now I trust and love myself so much that I honor the deep wisdom my body holds within, that I was only able to tap into after years of diligence towards loving myself unconditionally. I hope that seeing my transformation can give you hope if you’re struggling. There’s simply so much more to life than hating yourself + life is way too short. An ED is deeply damaging because it stems from the root core wound of not feeling enough and literally wanting to disappear. You must heal, it’s the most important thing you’ll ever do. I’m thankful to be in a place of healing + self-love. I’ve come such a long way, and you can too.
We’re shining a light on something that’s been in the dark for far too long. Your past is not your current narrative unless you want it to be. It’s how you face adversity that counts and makes you into the person you are. Thank you for hearing me and I hope hearing my story helps you if you’re struggling. There’s another side and the only way out is through. And so it is.